Tough Conversations: The Real Reason Most Teams (and Relationships) Get Stuck
Most teams and relationships don’t fail because of big mistakes—they stall because people avoid the real conversations. Inspired by my interview with Jess Pettitt, this post dives into why “conversations that matter” are the secret to trust, progress, and real results. Learn what makes these talks so powerful, how to actually have them (without all the drama), and why leaning into discomfort is the shortcut to success—at work and at home.
I didn’t always realize how much was at stake when I avoided “hard conversations.”
Recently, I sat down with Jess Pettitt, a speaker, author, and expert in navigating tough conversations, to talk about what really happens when we skip—or lean into—those moments.
The interview made me look back at all the times I sidestepped a disagreement or let an awkward silence win out over speaking up. I remembered projects that stalled, relationships that felt a little less connected, and teams that drifted into confusion—not because people didn’t care, but because nobody wanted to “rock the boat.”
The truth? Those were missed opportunities for conversations that matter.
Jess put it simply: “We need to get more comfortable being uncomfortable.” That line stuck with me. It reminded me that the best teams and relationships don’t avoid tough topics—they build trust by tackling them head-on.
That’s why I dug into the research and pulled together this post. What exactly is a conversation that matters? Why is it so helpful at work (and at home)? And most importantly, how do you actually start and navigate these talks without everything falling apart?
Below, you’ll find a practical guide—blending insights from my chat with Jess, real-world examples, and research-backed tips—to help you get started. If you’ve ever avoided a tough topic or wished your team could “just talk it out,” this post is for you.
Let’s dive in.
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What’s a “Conversation That Matters”?
A conversation that matters is an honest dialogue about something important.
It’s not small talk or surface-level check-ins. It’s when you say what you really think, feel, or need—even if it’s awkward. Jess described these as “challenging conversations” that unlock real change, trust, and yes—better productivity.
These talks are about showing up as your real self.
Jess told me, “When we hold back, that’s energy we’re not spending on actually getting work done or connecting as humans.” The reality: We’re not meant to agree on everything or avoid all conflict. A conversation that matters is a chance to replace assumptions with clarity and to build connection over distance.
You know you’re having a conversation that matters when you feel both relief and risk.
You might be admitting a mistake, calling out a miscommunication, or just saying, “I need help.” It’s about letting go of needing to be perfect or “right”—and leaning into curiosity and respect. As Jess said, “Trying is trying, because it’s exhausting. But not doing something is also a response.” Progress happens when you try, not when you hide.
Why These Conversations Matter (at Work and at Home)
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Open conversations build trust, speed, and results.
In teams, nothing tanks morale and momentum faster than things left unsaid. Misunderstandings grow. Small problems turn into big ones. Productivity nosedives. Harvard research found the best teams have “psychological safety”—meaning people feel safe to speak up, disagree, or admit a mistake without fear. That all starts with honest talk.
People who talk about what matters are more engaged and happier.
It’s not just a work thing. People who regularly engage in deeper conversations (instead of just small talk) report higher well-being and satisfaction. There’s a direct link between feeling heard and feeling connected, both at home and on the job.
Avoiding tough talks is the hidden productivity killer.
Jess shared a story about a car dealership where two star employees’ performance dropped suddenly. Leadership worried, rumors flew, and culture took a hit. The issue? Both employees were quietly battling chemotherapy and hiding it to “protect” the team. One honest conversation—where they felt safe enough to share—flipped the entire team’s mood, to support, and productivity. “Sales went up. Repairs went up. People showed up for each other. The productivity level was tested—and proved.” That’s the power of a conversation that matters.
How to Start a Conversation That Matters
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Don’t wait for the perfect time or script.
There will never be one. The moment you realize something needs to be said, that’s your signal. Even a simple, “Can we talk about something that’s been on my mind?” is enough to open the door.
Get clear on your “why.”
Before you begin, ask yourself: What do I really want to achieve from this conversation? Understanding? Alignment? A plan for change? Keep that “why” as your anchor.
Lead with curiosity, not accusations.
Jess’s advice: “Lead with a question. Whenever you disagree and don’t know what to say, use ‘Tell me more.’” Curiosity cools defensiveness and keeps things collaborative. Try:
“Help me understand how you see this.”
“Can you share your perspective?”
“What am I missing?”
Use “I” statements and describe, don’t blame.
Focus on your experience and the facts, not character judgments.
Instead of “You always ignore my emails,” try:
“I noticed I haven’t gotten a reply, and I wanted to check in on what’s going on.”
Listen for understanding, not rebuttal.
When it’s their turn, actually listen. Don’t plan your comeback—just absorb. Reflect back what you heard:
“So what I’m hearing is…”
“It sounds like you’re frustrated about…”
Allow for discomfort.
Tough conversations are uncomfortable. That’s a sign you’re doing it right. Jess told me, “You can’t be anxious and curious at the same time.” Focus on curiosity, and the discomfort will ease up.
Don’t get hung up on perfection—focus on progress.
If it gets messy or emotional, that’s okay. It’s better to have an imperfect real conversation than a flawless fake one.
Best Practices for Making Conversations That Matter… Work
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Normalize these conversations in your culture.
At work: Make it a team value to talk about what matters.
At home: Set a weekly “check-in” time for real talk. The more you do it, the less scary it becomes.
Prepare, recognize, and respond.
Jess teaches a three-part framework: Prepare (know your purpose), Recognize (notice what’s really going on—feelings, dynamics, patterns), and Respond (choose your words/actions thoughtfully). You don’t have to get it perfect, but cycling through these three steps keeps you grounded.
Watch your words—always and never are fighting words.
Jess’s tip: “If your sentence starts with ‘always’ or ‘never,’ you’re probably about to get into a fight.” Stick to specifics and the current situation.
Check your motives before giving feedback.
Ask yourself: “Am I trying to help, or just trying to win?” Feedback works best when requested or when there’s real impact—otherwise, sometimes it’s better to listen and support.
Follow up, don’t just drop it.
After the conversation, check in again. Did things improve? Did you misunderstand something? Keep the door open for more dialogue.
Practice. It gets easier.
Like any skill, you get better with use. Each conversation that matters is a step forward—even if the only progress is the courage to start.
The Bottom Line
Conversations that matter are the backbone of great teams, healthy relationships, and your own growth.
They’re not about winning, being perfect, or making everything smooth. They’re about moving forward, together. As Jess Pettitt says, “Do the best you can with what you’ve got, some of the time. That’s literally the definition of ‘good enough now.’”
So the next time your gut says, “We should talk about this,” trust it. Start small, be real, and let the conversation unfold.
You might be surprised how much lighter and more connected things feel—at work and at home.
References / Further Reading:
Harvard Business Review – Research: To Excel, Diverse Teams Need Psychological Safety
Scientific American – Skip the Small Talk: Meaningful Conversations Linked to Happier People
Business Wire – Grammarly and Harris Poll Research Estimates U.S. Businesses Lose $1.2 Trillion Annually to Poor Communication
Productivity Gladiator® – “Conversations That Matter: The Hidden Productivity Killer You're Ignoring” .
I’m Brian. At age 4, I was diagnosed with insulin dependent (type 1) diabetes and told that my life was going to be 10-20 years shorter than everyone else. As a kid I took time for granted, but now as an adult, time is the most precious thing that I have. After spending a career hands-on in the trenches as a leader at all levels, I now train Productivity Gladiators to level up their careers. Graduates wield superpowers in time management, practical leadership, communication, & productivity. If what you’ve seen here intrigues you, reach out, let’s chat!
“Time is the currency of your life, spend it wisely.”
How One Simple Doc Can Boost Team Productivity by 25% - Team Communication Protocols
Tired of missed messages, too many meetings, or not knowing if your Slack ping is urgent? A communication protocol might be the fix your team needs. In this post, inspired by my interview with team effectiveness coach Theresa M. Ward, I break down what a communication protocol is, why it matters, and exactly how to create one that cuts confusion, boosts productivity, and keeps your team in sync—without adding more red tape.
I didn’t always think my team needed a “communication protocol.”
Last week I found myself reflecting on a past project that went off the rails due to miscommunication. Back then, our team was scattered across time zones, drowning in email chains and chat pings. It was chaotic—and frankly, frustrating.
I remembered scrambling between Slack messages and emails, wondering which one my boss checked first. I recalled late-night text messages that really weren’t urgent and could have waited.
This concept is pretty simple yet powerful, and it’s come up twice again for me recently, in conversations with Theresa M. Ward & Maura Thomas.
I decided to take a deep dive and create a resource for it, so I hope this is helpful! There’s a better way to communicate, and it starts with some clear guidelines.
Also, if you want to dive deeper, after reading this blog post and checking out the Template, I recommend listening to Theresa M. Ward and I discuss it.
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What’s a communication protocol?
It’s basically a shared guide for how your team communicates. Think of it as a set of team agreements on when to email, Slack, call, or meet. Remember this is an internal document for internal use.
Formally, a communication protocol is a set of rules or guidelines that govern how team members interact— which channels to use, how quickly to respond, and how to escalate urgent issues. In my interview, Theresa described it as “a shared document” with “a set of agreements… somewhat democratically determined, that guides how you initiate communication, how you respond… and how you escalate communication.” In other words, it’s a playbook defining the who/what/when of team communication so everyone’s on the same page.
It’s a guide, not a gag order.
The word “protocol” might sound strict, but the point isn’t to police everyone’s every word. You can think of it, and treat it, as a “situational communication guide” to keep the tone soft and collaborative. The goal is not to create a rigid policy with punishments for breaking it – it’s to give your team clarity. No one’s getting fired for texting when they should have emailed, but having agreed-upon norms removes guesswork. Think of it as guardrails that keep communication flowing smoothly without stifling anyone’s personality.
Why Having a Protocol Matters?
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Clarity beats chaos.
Without clear communication guidelines, teams often swim in confusion. We’ve all heard (or made) complaints like “I never got a response to my email” or “I didn’t know you needed that ASAP.” A protocol pre-empts that by spelling out expectations. When everyone knows, for example, that project questions go in the team chat (not long email threads) and that emails can sit for 24 hours before reply, work gets less stressful. It’s not just touchy-feely: 41% of employees say poor communication directly decreases their productivity. Conversely, teams that communicate effectively can boost productivity by up to 25%. Clarity means people spend less time wondering “Should I text or email?” and more time actually working.
Less frustration, more flow.
A good protocol reduces the little annoyances that can sour a workday. Ever felt your blood pressure rise because a coworker ghosted your message? Or gotten pinged in five places about the same thing? Clear norms help here, too. When everyone agrees on the right channel for each situation and the expected response times, you’ll see fewer crossed wires. There’s evidence that unclear communication isn’t just a minor issue – 30% of workers report being frustrated by unclear direction from their managers. Over time, those frustrations erode morale. Setting some communication ground rules can nip many misunderstandings in the bud and keep team relationships smoother.
Efficiency and focus.
By deciding which communications warrant a meeting versus a message, a protocol also protects everyone’s time. It helps differentiate between synchronous communication (real-time calls or meetings) and asynchronous communication (emails, chat messages people can reply to later). That means fewer unnecessary meetings and interruptions. As one Forbes report noted, effective communication practices can improve efficiency significantly, even yielding hard results like 25% higher productivity. The bottom line: when your team isn’t constantly distracted by mixed signals or waiting on replies, they can focus and get more done.
How to Create a Communication Protocol (Step-by-Step)
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Ready to get started? The good news is you don’t need to be a manager to draft a protocol – anyone on the team can take initiative. Here’s a straightforward process to build one:
Gather your team’s input and list your channels.
Start by taking stock of how your team currently communicates. Make a list of all the communication channels and tools you use (email, Slack/Teams, phone, text, Zoom, etc.). Talk to your teammates about their communication preferences and pain points. Theresa emphasized the importance of self-awareness here: “I have a strong preference for typed asynchronous communication. I’m realizing that that has places where it’s most effective and places where it’s not.” In other words, get everyone to share what works for them and where miscommunications happen.Define the purpose of each channel (and expected response times).
For each tool on your list, agree on when and how to use it. For example: “Use the team chat for quick questions or updates that need a same-day response. Use email for longer discussions or anything that can wait 24 hours.” Be as specific as possible. Along with usage, nail down expected response times: e.g. Slack messages should be answered within a few hours during work hours, emails within one business day. This clarity sets expectations: if I Slack you at 10am, I know whether I should expect an answer by lunch or if tomorrow is perfectly fine.Establish urgency levels and escalation paths.
One of the biggest sources of stress is not knowing what’s truly “urgent.” This came up twice on the show, once in the discussion with Maura Thomas, and again with Theresa, so I think of this as doubly important. As you create your protocol, define what counts as urgent and how to escalate. Decide as a team what an “emergency” looks like in your context (e.g. a system outage, a client crisis, a same-day deadline issue). Then outline the steps to escalate communication if something urgent arises or if someone doesn’t respond in the normal timeframe. Rather than slapping an “emergency” label on everything, think in terms of escalation levels. “Maybe it’s Slack first, and if you don’t get a response in X hours, then escalate to a phone call.”Document it in a simple, shareable format.
Now take all these decisions and write them down in a clean, easy-to-use document. A simple start would be a basic two-column table: the first column lists the communication channel (e.g. “Email” or “Team Chat – #general channel” or “Phone call”), and the second column describes how we use it. Include a note about response expectations for each channel if relevant. At the top of the doc, you might add a short intro explaining this guide is for your team’s communications and was created with everyone’s input. At the bottom, it’s wise to acknowledge that exceptions exist – no protocol covers every scenario.Get agreement and finalize it together.
Once you have a draft, share it with the whole team for feedback. This step is crucial for buy-in. Adjust the guidelines if needed so they’re actually workable for all. In the end, everyone should nod and say, “Yes, we agree to do our best to follow this.” Finally, put the document in an easy-to-find place (like your shared drive or wiki) and communicate it out. Congratulations, you’ve now got a team communication protocol!
Template You Can Use To Get Your Started.
Making the Most of Your Communication Protocol
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Lead by example and keep it visible.
If you’re a team lead (or even just an enthusiastic team member), model the behaviors in the protocol. Refer to it when deciding how to contact someone: “I chose to email this request because our protocol suggests Slack is just for quick questions.” Make the document easily accessible for yourself. Consider a brief refresher in team meetings. Add it to new-hire onboarding materials. Be a “chief reminding officer” — gently repeating expectations until they become second nature. In the beginning you’ll be changing the culture. Patience is key.
Encourage team adoption (and handle outliers privately).
Change can be hard, especially if people have been set in their ways. Encourage everyone to give the new protocol a try for a few weeks. Discuss how it’s going, and invite feedback. Positive reinforcement helps. If someone consistently goes rogue, handle it with empathy. A friendly nudge is often all that’s needed.
Be flexible for remote and hybrid teams.
In remote or distributed teams, a communication protocol is even more critical. Remote teams should pay special attention to time zones and asynchronous communication. Encourage use of statuses so colleagues know when not to expect an immediate reply. Little additions, like “Assume positive intent in messages,” can go a long way for remote team harmony.
Extend it beyond your team when needed.
A communication protocol isn’t just an internal tool; you can adapt its principles for working with other groups, clients, or vendors. When starting a cross-department project, consider having a mini communication protocol for the project team. If you work with clients or outside partners, you can set expectations upfront. I’ve found that many clients appreciate being told, “For anything urgent, call my cell; otherwise email me and I’ll reply within one business day.” Clear communication about communication can set the right expectations from the start.
The takeaway:
Don’t leave team communication to chance. A little upfront effort creating a communication protocol can pay off in a big way. It’s about reducing friction and misunderstandings so that work (and life) gets easier. When your team has clear norms, you spend less time putting out fires or feeling frustrated and more time in the productive “flow” state. Even better, you make space for the human side of work – trust, respect, and empathy grow when people aren’t constantly annoyed at each other’s communication habits. Whether you’re leading a distributed team or just trying to make your day less hectic, consider giving a communication protocol a try.
It might just be the simple win that propels your team’s productivity – and sanity – to the next level.
References:
LaunchNotes – “Team Communication Protocol” (definition of team communication protocol)
Sociabble – “15 Workplace Communication Statistics You Need to Know”, 2023. (Effective communication boosts productivity by 25%)
Pumble – “Workplace Communication Statistics (2025)”, 2025. (Poor communication reduces productivity for 41% of employees)
Harvard Business Review – Tsipursky, G. “Poor Communication May Be Slowing Down Your Team”, Oct 2023. (30% of workers frustrated by unclear communication from bosses)
Productivity Gladiator® – “Your Communication Protocol Can Make or Break Your Team’s Productivity” . (Guidance on creating and adopting team communication protocols)
I’m Brian. At age 4, I was diagnosed with insulin dependent (type 1) diabetes and told that my life was going to be 10-20 years shorter than everyone else. As a kid I took time for granted, but now as an adult, time is the most precious thing that I have. After spending a career hands-on in the trenches as a leader at all levels, I now train Productivity Gladiators to level up their careers. Graduates wield superpowers in time management, practical leadership, communication, & productivity. If what you’ve seen here intrigues you, reach out, let’s chat!
“Time is the currency of your life, spend it wisely.”